I am eager to find a new writing topic; however, I must finish what I started. Besides, if I don’t write about the Auctioneer, you will read only about the enticing view from my large picture window– snow accumulated overnight and my world is white. I sit in my easy chair, taking in the view, enjoying the fireplace glow. Ahhhhh, the world is at peace in the far north. A cloudy sky filters the sunrise as the day awakens. Perfect time to reminisce about my introduction to rural auction sales last summer. Today, the Auctioneer. My experience is with a guy, so I will refer to “he/him”. I am certain female auctioneers exist, but not out here.

We all know that auctioneers speak glorious auction gibberish, a verbal folk art. This language requires skill and is less random than it sounds. Those rolling syllables often relate to the next increment in the bid. Do I hear five becomes a slurred version of five-a five-a five-a. Who will bid becomes who-d who-d who-d. Any word can be translated into auction gibberish, much like turning a normal word into Pig Latin. At the end of the gibberish though, the auctioneer returns to plain English when he declares SOLD!

So  verbal skill is essential, as is the ability to work the crowd. For example, if the bidding is slow, the auctioneer will address someone they know. Me, for example. The Auctioneer will look straight at me and say, Hey preacher if you buy this I will come to church next Sunday. Ha-ha, we all respond–no way he will be in church. Sometimes I bite, mostly I do not. The Auctioneer also likes to poke fun at farmers or pretty young women. To the women, our Auctioneer will say, if you bid on this I won’t tell the story about when……If that does not generate a bid he will hit up the $1 box buyers.  C’mon Joan. This one’s for you. Oddly, they bite: $1!!  SOLD!! Repeatedly until their mountain of $1 boxes takes over half the street.

Sometimes the Auctioneer acts irritated. No one bids. An awkward silence hangs in the air, like in those moments before the President speaks. Wait. Wait. Wait for it.  Again, Who will bid a dollar? Dolla, dolla, dolla? Still, no bids. After a few attempts the Auctioneer mumbles to the helpers, Let’s move on. That box or beat up end table slumps against the reject pile. Another source of irritation: when the crowd chit chats too much among themselves. Hush now, he says. I can’t hear. Be quiet so everyone can hear. We hush again for a time, but the din slowly rebuilds, after all the Auction Sale is also a major social event.

The ultimate irritation for the Auctioneer is selling something too cheaply. After all, his most important job is to squeeze out the highest prices possible. That requires some skill too. The Auctioneer knows about antiques and current collecting trends. Bids roll in if he name drops the right words: Depression Glass, Pyrex, Luster Ware, wash tub, advertising art, cast iron, unique, rare, family owned. With guns, bids increase frantically when buyers hear the words collectible and hunting. Up here in duck land, a shotgun for bird hunting may sell for more than the price of a new gun. However, if no one is bidding much, the Auctioneer will say, This is below the money. C’mon now, we can’t stay below the money. I hear that a dozen times while he was auctioning a home, which sells for $15,000. No big dolla, dolla, dolla. Darna, darna, darna. Who can blame him? His income is a percentage of sales. High prices=high income.

After hours of auctioning, Mr. Auctioneer needs a break. He jumps down from the Auction Mobile and his adult son takes over and continues his education in the verbal and audience manipulation skills. The boss Auctioneer grabs something from the chow wagon and then mingles with the crowd, all up close and personal. He often groups like items together for an interesting twist to selling. This skill must have a name. Group selling? Cluster sales? Anyway, the Auctioneer will gather up all the garden tools and snow shovels with the intention of selling one at a time. The highest bidder then chooses which ONE of the group they want. The bidding starts again, and the highest bidder chooses which one of the remaining group they want. Repeat 6 or seven times. The first bid is the highest, then the bids decrease as the desirability of the leftover items decreases. I buy a quilt this way. The Auctioneer piles up worn blankets, old afghans, and a bright, hand-sewn quilt. I bid up the bunch to $20 and pick the quilt. The next round of bidding reaches $7 and someone picks a blanket from the lot. The next round of bidding maxes at $3, and the bidder receives all the remaining blankets. Nothing is more embarrassing than thinking you are bidding on the lot for one price and then discovering you can only pick one box or item. I do that with boxes of canning jars. where I bid $11 for all the jars, and then learn that I can pick one box. Duh. I pay more than the jars cost new. Newbie mistake!

This fall the Auctioneer sells off hay and farm equipment. I am not in need of either so I miss these. Then, the Auction Mobile rests in the garage. As I watch the snow fall, I think ahead to next summer and the great Auction Sale fun. Better save those dollas and fiveas. I think we will have summer again, many months in the future.