I talked to a dear friend in another state this week. Normally, we talk about our kids, her grandkids, my recent adventures, Donald Trump’s hair: normal stuff. This week we talked about guns. Do you have one, she asked? No, but I am thinking about getting a small pistol. She replies energetically, Me too!  Later in the week, another friend proudly tells me he just bought a small handgun. Newspaper headlines declare that gun purchases are brisk, and that gun violence is fueling the demand for guns.

My friends all say the same thing: regular people need to be armed now. We need to protect ourselves and our loved ones. Maybe we can save a few lives. I won’t be a helpless victim. Our government is powerless to protect us, we must rely on ourselves. Collectively, we are discussing over coffee in the local cafe whether or not we will arm ourselves. I feel the weight of this moment. I want to protect myself, but what about a vigilante culture gone amuck? How easy would it be for a bad guy to grab my gun and use it on me?

I live in North Dakota, a state with more cows than people. We don’t expect too many terror attacks here, unless they are hungry for prime beef. Still…you never know. I add my solo travels to isolated terrain into my personal debate about buying a gun. So far, I have felt secure with a Taser. This summer I plan to drive straight north into Canada, as far as I can go. Wild animals abound! Canada even has special laws that allow a traveller heading into back-country to bring a gun for protection. So easy to add a gun to my camping gear.

I start researching guns. I learn about handguns, ND laws, concealed weapons permits, crossing state lines, packing a gun in checked baggage, crossing into Canada, buying guns online. I visit a gun shop. They sure are cute, especially that pink camo gun, and with a few boxes of ammo the cost is around $500. For another $75 I can buy a purse that looks normal but has a holster inside. The background check takes five minutes and I could walk out armed, a cool, gray-haired lady with a pink camo gun. I stand up straighter and feel more confident. I think about the women I know in Wyoming and North Dakota who fearlessly carry concealed weapons.

I am not ready. I have to process the serious decision to purchase a deadly weapon.  What is the likelihood that I will need one? People shoot ministers in the pulpit. Could I take a gun to church? Would I? I have to answer: could I kill a person? If face-to-face with a bear, could I steady myself enough to shoot a gun or would fear overtake me? I need to shoot a handgun a few times and see how it feels. A deeply personal debate stirs in my soul. A gun?