Yes, it is that time of year, when adventurous souls are running loose in our national forests and parks. Millions will ramble on through, hopefully leaving only footprints and taking only memories.
Visitors to Alaska’s Tongass National Forest are especially dangerous, including the Wandering Older Women (WOW). At least one has already been spotted by locals in Wrangell, AK, so it is a great time to review the safety measures you should take if you encounter one. .
If you see a WOW on the loose be sure to follow these guidelines:
- Do not ever take a photo. She will grab your camera and stomp it to bits, unless, of course, you let her preview the photos and choose one that she likes.
- Properly stow in a hard-sided vehicle all your cakes, pies, and cookies. If you leave them unattended, don’t be surprised if a WOW grabs them.
- If you see her running to the outhouse or towards a tree, get out of her way. That old bladder is not reliable and you don’t want little puddles of pee all over the forest.
4. If you are an older male, please keep your pants properly zipped up at all times. We know this is a tough thing to ask, but you must be vigilant. Mostly dormant hormones may surge at any time and the WOW can attack at the slightest provocation.
5.Do not offer advice of any kind. WOWs are independent and self-sufficient and do not need your advice, especially when the car is boiling over or the battery is dead. If their tent is lying in heap or the rain fly won’t fit into place, stay away. No help needed.
6. If the WOW in the next campsite resents your presence, try a peace-offering. Many campers report success with a Double Chocolate Muffin and fresh coffee in the morning. If that does improve her mood try Merlot.
7.Don’t bother sweet-talking her dog. WOWs have seen this move before and won’t be impressed. Likewise, don’t laugh at her dog’s little outfits, like the fleece sweater or raincoat.
8. Never ask a WOW if she can do your mending or sew on a shirt button. Just don’t do it.
9. WOWS love a good campfire. If you have one in the evening and really want to be friends with this odd species, invite her over and have the S’mores stuff ready.
10. Do not talk about your motorcycles, boats, trucks, and other boy-toys. A WOW may smile sweetly for 30 seconds but if you persist she will relocate your tent to the other end of the campground.
Most of all, have fun out there this summer and stay safe. And remember, a WOW full of cookies and muffins or Merlot is always a safe WOW.
