mer·ry-go-round

Ancient Ford Econoline Van

I left home the minute I graduated from high school. My boyfriend had a Ford Van, and we traveled all over the U.S. that summer. Yes, that is where I got the road trip bug that motivates me still. On several levels, it is funny to look back on that connection.

I did not fully understand what I was doing when I left back then, but there is no doubt that I was seeking something more sane, more stable, more normal. Something interesting. Anything but the painful dysfunction within the walls of both my family homes (mom/stepdad, dad/stepmom). Have you ever seen the movie “August, Osage County”, with Meryl Streep? I can’t say it is my favorite movie because it is so brutal, but it does give quite an insight into an alcoholic/drug family system and how the kids get devastated. I have viewed the movie many times, including recently, and it always reminds me why I left home as soon as I could. I had to get off the dysfunction merry-go-round.

What I know now, at age 64, is that it takes a lifetime to get off and maybe it is impossible. I don’t know for sure yet.

The first problem is that any time we visit that original family, we go back to the merry-go-round and we get sucked into the old patterns. The second problem is that even though we are not the drinkers, we are deeply scarred role players in the alcholic drama. The dysfunction is embedded and plays out inside everyone who grows up in an alcoholic family. It is a tumor of the soul that is extremely difficult to remove. No matter how far you get from the family, cancer’s long tentacles find you. The third problem is, even after your parents are dead, the memories can be haunting. This is a problem at the moment as I learn about alcoholic family systems, which force me to see things about my recently deceased mom. Some days I feel like I can never leave.

And yet, that is my lifestyle. Moving around, leaving before sending down roots. Wandering, seeking, journeying. Always ready to go on a moment’s notice when the tentacles close in. Leaving home again and again. 

Another hurdle for me, in terms of getting off the dysfunction merry-go-round, is when people who remind me of my dysfunctional family enter my orbit. I am especially vulnerable to people who are highly critical (as were mom, dad) and those who excel at gaslighting as a way to distract from their own shortcomings (as were dad, stepmom, oldest brother).

Did I say vulnerable to these people? Yes, because I don’t know how to deal with them. I should be an expert because of my childhood, but I have absolutely no skills when it comes to these types of bullies. They scare the poo out of me. I hold my own most of the time, but, with certain types of people, I am powerless. I don’t see what is coming and when it does come and when I see how I have been manipulated, I freeze up. Then, I must try again to get off the merry-go-round of dysfunction but by then I am limping, which makes jumping off painful.

So, part of my healing process and staying off the merry-go-round of dysfunction for good must include learning to do what most people do without giving it a second thought: not letting others shovel their dysfunctional crap all over me and collapsing into the mess. Because I can do this successfully with some types of dysfunction, I am confident It will come with other types of people in time as I work through Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholic materials. I have also been reading online, including here.

Having said all that and admintting that some people send me back to the merry-go-round, I also want to mention some real successes in staying off. The best example is last summer when I spent three months with mom and my stepdad. I lived in their apartment. Mom was there for one month before going to a nursing home, but I was there with my bipolar stepdad the entire time. Somehow, I was able to stay in an “observer” mode. I really wanted to see how they functioned without becoming a part of the mess, and, somehow, I pulled it off. Maybe it worked because they needed my help and were on good behavior? Maybe I am old enough to handle it?  Anyway, before she died, I really saw mom clearer than ever, and it has helped me in many ways to have seen her as an observer. And the strangest thing of all, my stepdad and I have a nice relationship. He was completely absent from my childhood (drinking upstairs in his room). However, last summer he called me the first time ever on my birthday and I called him on his 90th earlier this month. I told him about my starting Al-Anon and he was genuinely interested. He even shared some of his AA experiences. I also called him when the Cleveland Browns won earlier this season (first win in years) and we had a good laugh. Healing is possible in football and in families.

Goal One: Learn how to effectively keep the gaslighters, criticizers, and emotional bullies from disrupting my mojo and knocking me off my path. Can I disarm them or just learn to ignore their games?

Note to self: Lighten up! Life doesn’t need to be so intense all the time.

Funny aside: When I got tired of tent camping in my late 40s, I bought a little Chevy S10 pickup with a topper. Eventually, that seemed too small and, when I wondered what to buy next, I remembered that Ford Econoline van that my high school boyfriend had when we traveled. It was perfect back then and I knew it was just what I needed again, so I bought a much newer version of the van, which I still have today. I pull the RV with it! My van is 12 years old and has 140,000 miles. I hope it will continue to run flawlessly as it has so far. Running from home still, in my own Econoline.

2006 Ford Econoline Van