From Urban Dictionary, the definition of Loner:

• Someone who keeps to themselves, doesn’t like conflict, but could kick ass if needed.
• Someone that no one really knows except a rare few.
• Social when needed and usually very talkative.
• A person who’s been backstabbed way too many times.
• Staying away so no one will get mad or jealous that she smiled and misunderstood it as being “flirting.”
• Someone who prefers being alone, or with few important people in their life, it’s by choice. Less drama.
• Small circles, chosen few, anti conflicts, kick ass, less drama.
• One who is probably super intelligent but doesn’t want anyone to know that.

Now that I have started revealing my innermost secrets, I find that I have so many things to write about. I think it is the burst pipe thing, but I won’t stretch that metaphor any further. I will just let it flow.

Today, I am compelled to write about my perpetual state of being alone. I thought about it last night as I was trying to fall asleep. I thought about it again as I lay snuggled under the layers of blankets that keep me toasty on a 32-degree morning. I especially thought about it while in Alaska, where the vast, dramatic landscape would make even the most social person feel alone in the universe.

This time, I need to go back all the way to my pre-school days! In one of my first memories, I was playing in the yard, digging around in the dirt. I remember suddenly looking up and realizing I was completely alone. I was in a large yard with a large house (we lived in an apartment upstairs) in an inner-city neighborhood near the University of Akron where my mom was studying. Did we have a babysitter while she was in school? Was the babysitter off that day? I don’t know anything other than I was completely alone. I don’t remember feeling afraid, just bewildered about being so alone. In many memories after that, I remember wandering off alone from that yard and exploring other people’s backyards or walking across the street and checking out the other houses. I don’t know where my older brother was at the time. My dad was out of the picture then. I don’t remember anyone ever being upset with me for wandering off or anyone ever coming out to find me. I seemed to be able to wander at will. And I did.  Later, I dreamed of the day when I could wander off on my own and explore the bigger world. And I did. 

I have known for a long time that is when I took into my core being that I was alone. I don’t remember feeling awful about that; it was an understanding that I seemed to accept. It never scared me. I am alone. I am alone. I never really questioned it. 

Everything seemed to reinforce my state of aloneness as time passed. Mom was always cold and aloof, dad and stepdad were unavailable because they drank all the time. My evil stepmother was completely self-absorbed (all forms of emotional abandonment). My brother and I apparently fought non-stop. Still, the rest of my family found some sense of belonging with each other. Mom had two more kids with my stepdad and they were more or less a family unit. After a while my older brother and I stayed with my dad during the holidays and summers, assuring that we never spent important family time with mom’s new family. But, that was never home for me either. My older brother did attach to my dad and stepmom, eventually going to live with them. Everyone had a place, except me. However, I didn’t actually want to align with any of them. I loved my cute, sweet baby brothers (8 and 9 years younger than me) but otherwise, I didn’t like my older brother or the four adults who were supposed to be the parents. I already had a firm identity in being alone and it always allowed me to check out of the drama. To retreat. To wander off. That was how I coped. I checked out. My aloneness was my safe space. I really identify with this part of the Urban Dictionary definition of loner: Someone who prefers being alone, or with few important people in their life, it’s by choice. Less drama. 

 I choose to stay alone even now for the same reasons. It is easier. I like being connected to other people but I always love going home to my cozy safe space, away from the drama.

I should mention that I did have some serious relationships. However, I was completely clueless about love and never had a role model. Yes, I went through times when I felt guilty about not having “somebody,” as if something were wrong with me. So, I would make an effort to meet somebody and pretend they were what I needed. The charade never lasted. In the meantime, I also noticed that most married people seem to have unspoken arrangements whereby they “protect” each other from confronting and dealing with their deepest brokenness. Marriage, it seemed to me, becomes another kind of hiding place. I liked my alone place better. And then, there is the matter of picking people who would emotionally abandon me. However, that and my destiny to be an alone, single mom are stories for another day. Today is about being alone and being okay with it.  I found this piece about how to enjoy being alone and learned that I had embraced its suggestions as I stumbled along in life. There is a great deal of wisdom in that article for anyone who wants to be happy as an alone person.  

Goal Two: Continue being okay with being a loner, let go of the guilt around the pain my choice caused in others. Al-Anon teaches us to let go of what we can’t control. Others are responsible for dealing with their pain just like I am responsible for mine.

When I returned from Alaska this summer I continued to camp and explore in Washington and Oregon. Conversations with other campers always included questions like, “Where ya been, where ya going?” I mentioned my travels to and from Alaska and the only responses I heard were, “You went ALONE?” “By Yourself?”. “I could never do that.”

Well, anyone CAN do that. You pack up, drive up there and drive back. What people were focused on was the alone part. Alone is a scary place for most people because we find it difficult to avoid whatever we are hiding from. No distractions. Alone in Alaska is even more scary. It is big. Wild, Unpopulated. Isolated. Yes, it forces you to think about being alone. And then, in the icy, glacier-covered alone space, buried thoughts and feelings explode outward. For some reason, you can no longer stuff them down. The dam breaks. No wonder people feel like they cannot venture into that territory alone. The good news is that the stuff that comes up won’t overwhelm even though some days it seems as though it might. This is the journey that permeates our literature….the trek into a vast wilderness where we finally learn the truth about ourselves. Fiction: Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Narnia. Nonfiction: Travels of John Muir, Kon Tiki, Hero of a Thousand Faces. In the end, the traveler thrives. It is worth the effort.