In 7 days I have gone from feeling ashamed because of what I am learning in AL-Anon and ACA to writing about it non-stop. I have not outlined any of the posts or given them much advance thought. The stuff is just flowing, and I am pleased with the body of work I created this week. I don’t necessarily like feeling absolutely naked in front of the world and having boulders in my stomach.  I wake up in the wee hours feeling uncertain about being so transparent and spilling all the beans. My son said he would read it. His dad and other family, old boyfriends, old friends, new friends, and previous parishioners read my blog. But, my greatest fear, being overwhelmed by all of this reality, has not happened. It helps that I get out every day. Tango and I walk and I attend Yoga class. I pick up a few groceries, visit the library and browse the thrift stores downtown. Back at home, I also have a stack of movies from the library and lots of sewing. 

Sometimes I feel great, though! Much better than last week when everything was just churning inside. And, I have five concrete goals to work on:

Goal one: from the “Dysfunction Merry-Go-Round”

Learn how to effectively keep the gaslighters, criticizers, and emotional bullies from disrupting my mojo and knocking me off my path. Can I disarm them or just learn to ignore their games?

Goal two: from “Loner”

Continue being okay with being a loner, let go of the guilt around the pain my choice caused in others. Al-Anon teaches us to let go of what we can’t control. Others are responsible for dealing with their pain just like I am responsible for mine.

Goal three: from “Family Roles”

Focus on telling my own truth, meditate on the Serenity Prayer as I unravel the truth about truth-telling

Goal four: from “Rose Colored Glasses”

Keep wearing those reality glasses. Not just around single men but every single day. Be aware of the difference between being realistic in a healthy way and being consumed with telling everyone else the “real truth”.

Goal Five: from Shit-Colored Glasses”

Stay with Al-Anon and ACA. Consciously bring mom as my imaginary companion on the healing journey. Accept that maybe she really is there on the other side and we really are doing this together.

Goal one, dealing with emotional bullies and negative projections, will be the most challenging. Right now, I freeze and run so I have a long way to go. Goals two and three, being okay about being a loner and telling just my own truth are the easiest.  Bringing my imaginary friend along on the journey – mom – will be the most fun goal. Seriously. I know it sounds like I am being a bit crazy but I get some comfort from this image of mom being with me in a way that never happened in real life. 

Goal Five is also challenging – not wearing rose-colored glasses through life. While it might seem that I am without rose-colored glasses at this point, they snap back on quite easily. Yesterday I stopped by the library before my Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meeting. I was in a comfy chair reading the Sunday New York Times when I looked up and noticed the male librarian (around my age) checking me out. I was aware of his presence several more times, including when I got up to find a book I had just read a review about. Then, when I got up to leave, we passed by each other and I gave him my prettiest smile and said enthusiastically, “Hello!”. He responded with the same enthusiasm. As I drove to my meeting, I started creating rosy images about meeting Prince Charming. STOP I told myself. Just STOP. STOP. And, I did.

I like having some concrete goals. I might take some time off from writing about all this to absorb what is on the table now, get moved to my new perch, and explore that area. I have the ACA support system, but if you feel an urge to check in with me, please feel free ([email protected])! I have one friend who has been texting me some days after reading my posts and it makes my day! Feel free to share about your own journey too! Being of service to others is a big part of the AL-ANON/ACA recovery program, and I am better equipped than ever to minister to others!