Have you ever arrived at a campsite or picnic destination and started piling things on the picnic table?  If you are like me, you never think about a table cloth because you are too excited about being there and getting set up. After reading this post, I guarantee you will change this habit.

I say this because I know what has been on your picnic table before you got there. My first insight came two summers ago when I was a camp host at Gallatin National Forest outside Yellowstone. Three juvenile bison wandered through that campground, and several times I saw them licking the picnic tables with their enormous tongues. Ohhh my. Disgusting. There must have been some good stuff spread on the tables to make them lick on raw wood. I vowed at that time to always suspect the presence of bison slobber when choosing a picnic table and to always travel with a table cloth. Now I keep one right next to my emergency water filter and personal locator beacon. It is that important!

After camp hosting in the Washington State Parks this summer the bison episode seems only mildly distressing. For example, with surprising frequency people leave used, completely filled baby diapers on the picnic table. Do they forget they put the diaper there? Do they not care? I don’t know anything other than poopy diapers have likely perched on your picnic table. And speaking of perched, I have seen many seagulls resting peacefully on the tables. Several were so settled in and comfortable, it looked as if they might have been incubating eggs. Alas, when they flew off the table was empty, except for the billion germs they brought in on their feet and bodies.

Seagulls are not the only birds that deposit grossness on your picnic table. Crows are usually the first to land after a camper pulls out for the day. They are clever birds and can rummage through everything and anything. You can be assured that they will find whatever food is around, no matter how much you think it is secured. They will even peck their way into your tent for a wayward Milk Dud. Seriously. I don’t know which is dirtier, a crow or seagull, but I do know that I don’t want to place my sandwich on a table where they have been.

And the owl “pellets.” I don’t want to gross you out too much but after owls eat they regurgitate their stomach contents in a mass of goo called a pellet. Most of the pellets I saw landed on the ground but I am not going to lie. I saw globs on several picnic tables when I was cleaning sites.

And, don’t forget the other critters who sneak through during the day: squirrels, chipmunks, rabbits. Each will jump on your table searching for a forgotten crumb. I try not to imagine what was on their feet or dangling from their fur!

Kids do a number on the tables as well. Remember collecting things when you were young? Today’s kids roaming in the woods or beachcombing along the shore are no different. They collect anything and everything and often line up their treasures on the tables. The rocks and twigs are not so bad, but I have seen dead bugs, snake skins shed and left behind by a growing snake, dead crabs, rotting seaweed, fish bones, and assorted detritus that smells like toxic waste. On your picnic table. 

Some of the germs on your table arrived there more innocently. It seems perfectly normal to lean against or sit on the edge of the table, right? Well, what if that person just went poo in the camp restroom that was out of toilet paper and then sat on what is now your picnic table? See what I mean? Or what about the sick college kid with a hangover who just threw up over everything? Do you think his hungover friends disinfected the table using a 3-1 solution of vinegar before they left?

I could go on and on but I think you get the message.  Hundreds, even thousands of people have used your picnic table before you and zillions of critters have searched there hoping for a wayward potato chip. As I mentioned, I travel with a table cloth now, even for day trips. I also keep Clorox wipes around so I can swab things down first. I have never been a germophobe or even all the fussy. However, having witnessed this grossness first hand, I am Ms. Paranoia. Friends and picnic enthusiasts everywhere, consider yourselves forewarned!