I learned something new while coming home from California. As I approached the security line at the airport, a man asked to see my boarding pass, as usual. He told me that I was a TSA-Pre and pointed me to a short line on the far left. I did not have to take off shoes or jacket and did not need to unload computer and toiletries. I just sent my stuff through on the X-ray belt and walked through.

I asked one of the attendants what was going on, and they said I was in the TSA Pre program. That is all they knew. Of course I looked it up right away and learned this:

“TSA Pre✓™ helps strengthen security by identifying low-risk individuals through pre-screening. This allows TSA to focus resources on travelers about whom we know less, while providing the most effective security in the most efficient way.”

I know that frequent travelers very much appreciate this service. However, while waiting to board my flight I let my mind wander to other scenarios. Are these security guys and gals are tired of frisking gray-haired, runny-nosed wanderers who go bird-watching for vacation. When I remove most of my clothes while in line, it is obvious to all that I no longer have a bikini body.  Why spend precious time smelling my stinky feet, sweeping up my flaky skin and looking at my aging bones in the scanning booth when there are hot men and women in line who need frisking?

Here is what I am talking about:

Seniors:

The others:

Yep, it is easy to see what is really going on. I will miss those cute security guys in uniform checking me out. I need to figure out a way to get off the TSA-Pre program, fast. Perhaps next time I will pack my “Best of Maxine” book, a flask of Fireball whiskey, and knitting needles.That will show them I am a real threat and in need of frisking. :

By the way, if you are a busy traveler and want to zoom through security, you can apply for this program.  I never heard of it, which means they have me in their “system” and have conducted a pre-screening of their own. I am not especially pleased that I am in the “system” even with a positive rating. I do not like the government snooping around in my business, even if it does make my traveling life easier. George Orwell would be aghast. 

Disclaimer: The above is meant to be humorous and not an insult to the fine people at TSA!